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Excerpts from
Divorce Doesn’t Have to Be That Way:
A Handbook for the Helping Professional
Introduction
We all know the divorce horror stories -- the courtroom battles, the property seizures, the dueling restraining orders. Children being passed like hockey pucks between warring factions. We know about the long-term emotional damage that divorce can cause, especially to children. What we don’t necessarily know is what we can do to change the picture. We in the helping professions actually wield quite a bit of power in the matter. Just as the flapping of the proverbial butterfly’s wing can alter the course of a global weather system, our actions in the burgeoning “storm” of divorce can go a long way toward influencing how these swirling emotional forces play out. We have such power: power to make things better; power to help our clients see a divorce as a growth process; power to help produce an end result that is not a net loss, but at least a partial net gain for all parties; power to promote a peaceful, respectful divorce process and post-divorce environment; power to protect kids from the burden of unnecessary pain.
Chapter 1
How Might Things Have Gone Differently?
The process of a divorce evolves like a weather system: add a little moisture here, feed in a little hot air there, throw in a change of pressure, and suddenly you can have a full-blown tempest. But alter a few conditions by just a small degree and fairer weather may be on the horizon. As we review the case histories of the most painful divorces, we notice what I call Critical Entry Points along the way. These are key decision points at which helpers or other outside parties did, or might have, become involved and at which the quality of their input might have spun “the storm” in a completely different direction, or perhaps diffused it entirely.
The story of John and Marian, in pencil-sketch form:
John and Marian have been married for thirteen years. They have two children, Kim, 10, and Greg, 8. John is a physician, the chief of his department at a well-respected hospital. Marian is a stay-at-home mother who willingly gave up her career as a lab technician after the children were born. John and Marian met when he was a young resident at the hospital. She was attracted by his confidence and his “strong, silent” demeanor; he liked her wholesome good looks and desire for a white-picket-fence family life. They were wed in a grand church ceremony.
Now, thirteen years into the marriage, John’s “strong and silent” character has devolved into “controlling and uncommunicative” in Marian’s eyes. John is, in many ways, the classic high-achieving, type A male. Driven and professionally focused, he pours most of his attention into work. He routinely logs sixty-hour weeks in the name of providing stability and financial security for the family. Dinner and a movie once a month or so and a two-week vacation every summer add up, in his mind, to giving his wife and children plenty of attention. John makes all the major money decisions in the household. He keeps a close eye on the family finances. If asked about his relationship with Marian, he would say, “Everything’s great!”
Marian, on the other hand, finds herself becoming more and more restless and empty as the years pass. Since the kids started school she has felt vaguely dissatisfied and depressed. She attributes her nagging sense of emptiness to the marriage, though she still likes the comfort and stability it provides. Relationships with female friends provide the only real intimacy in her life. Her attempts to get John to talk about the marriage are rarely productive. When she initiates a discussion about family activities, he perceives her as complaining and demanding and retreats to his basement office to read online medical journals and catch up on cases.
Finally Marian gets into therapy. As she begins to explore her own inner terrain, her dissatisfaction with her life situation becomes more acute. Feeling “empowered” by therapy, she begins to see the need to take some kind of concrete action. Encouraged by her therapist, she starts to openly complain about the marriage and to challenge John to change. He reacts defensively. John and Marian start to have prolonged arguments, often in front of the children.
Critical Entry Point #1: Marian starts therapy
Marian’s therapist focuses on Marian’s “empowerment” but does not focus on the impact of Marian’s own behaviors on the dynamics of the marriage. Marian’s confrontational behavior, misconstrued as
empowerment, comes across to John as a nebulous sort of anger, from which he retreats further. What is Marian hoping to accomplish by lashing out at him? Does she want to be closer to him or farther apart? Her therapist could help her clarify this. Either way, is yelling and accusing a good means for getting there? Is there a more productive method of asserting herself?
Helpers are wise to consider the impact of their advice on the family system. Perhaps the therapist could have worked with Marian to better understand John -- his cognitive and communicative styles -- so as to find ways to approach him that would not trigger his defenses. Marian may temporarily feel empowered by behaving in a challenging manner, but real empowerment consists of having an idea about what one is trying to accomplish and feeling capable of taking the steps to realistically get there. Open conflict with her husband is frightening the children and turning John into The Enemy. Is Marian’s behavior effectively moving her toward making the changes she desires?
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Chapter 2
Divorce Is a Process
Let’s assume that a Critical Entry Point has arisen. You are called upon to counsel a client who is either going through a divorce or actively considering one. Divorce has been placed on your professional table. How do you start off on the right foot with this client? What do you need to know, right from the start, to help make the divorce process as productive and positive as possible?
Divorce is a process that unfolds over time and through and by which a person changes dynamically. The client’s emotions, outlooks, attitudes, and motivations are qualitatively different at various stages in the divorce process. Unless we understand what part of the process our client is currently experiencing, our support and advice will miss the mark. Attitudes and actions that are appropriate for the client at one stage will probably not be appropriate at another.
Being overly focused on concrete goals, such as winning custody of the children or getting a big financial settlement, we fail to see where the client “is at” in the here and now. When we focus too much on such goals, we and our clients can become rigid. The goals become more important than the client’s present state of being. What does the client need to do today to function more healthily on an emotional, mental, and interpersonal level? What actions today will best serve the overall adjustment of the family? Goals are best held in the background to help inform thoughts and actions, rather than used to dictate specific moves in the immediacy of the moment. The client cannot always see that he or she is in an unfolding process, but we can. Helping clients transition productively through the various stages of divorce is our overall goal.
Generally, we can speak of three types of processes when it comes to divorce: (1) the individual process, (2) the family process, and, on a more macrocosmic level, and (3) the societal process. The individual process is the series of personal emotional adjustments that the individual goes through as divorce unfolds in his or her life. The family process describes the practical, chronological stages that play out for the whole family system. The societal process is the global background for all of this: the ever-changing face of divorce as a societal phenomenon. What could comfortably be said of divorce twenty or fifty years ago can no longer be said. Divorce is being dynamically redefined and repositioned in our culture in ways that affect our clients in the here and now. The divorce process is affected by evolving ways of defining male/female roles, the place of children in society, what constitutes economic fairness, etc.
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Chapter 3
Helping Principles
The second part of laying a solid foundation for working with divorcing clients is to adopt a sound set of core helping principles. . . . Adopting these principles will help prevent us from falling into common traps and missing important opportunities to promote healing and growth.
Enhancing Functioning (“How Is My Client Doing?”)
One of the most important questions we can ask at the beginning of our involvement in a case, and continually thereafter, is simply, “How is my client functioning right now?” It is a question that can easily be forgotten amid the emergent drama of divorce.
Divorce presents huge moral and emotional dilemmas for our clients and forces them into making difficult, life-changing decisions. Oftentimes clients seek our help initially because they need support in making such decisions or taking critical actions. At such Critical Entry Points, before we proceed with a client, before we address any particular course of action, such as divorce, we are well-advised to ask ourselves what shape the client is in right now, mentally and emotionally. . . .
So, right from the start, instead of focusing on major, concrete decisions such as what kind of lawyer to hire or whether to pursue physical custody of the children, we may need to focus on more immediate issues relative to getting the client functional. Then we can address other matters. . . .
Maintaining Neutrality
Neutrality is perhaps the most important working attitude that any of us who deal with divorcing clients can adopt. Neutrality is a cornerstone of the mediation profession. For mediators, neutrality means that (1) the professional has no prior relationships with either side that predispose her to choose one side or the other; and (2) the professional remains impartial; that is, she keeps an open mind as to the “rightness” of one position or another in a conflict (Moore, 1996). As counselors, both forms of neutrality are important though it is the second of these standards that is usually more challenging to meet.
Maintaining neutrality is one of the most central points in this book. Its importance cannot be stressed enough. The largest number of helper-created problems that I have witnessed over the years have stemmed, in one way or another, from helpers failing to maintain neutrality regarding the divorce. . . .
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Chapter 4
Uncoupling
The art of uncoupling is at least as delicate and fraught with hazards as the art of coupling. Many couples pour a great deal of thoughtful work into preserving a marriage, but once the decision to end the relationship has been reached, they “wing it” in a haphazard or misguided manner. Separating an intimate union is one of the most difficult emotional and practical challenges that many people will ever face. And yet our culture offers few good models as to how to do it sanely. . . .
General Rules of Disengagement
There are a few general rules we can encourage our clients to follow as the divorce process moves forward:
Move slowly. Making precipitous decisions based on raw emotion is extremely unwise. Think twice -- three, four, five times -- before taking any action. The need to “do something NOW” is usually a response to emotional pain and uncertainty. In the long term, moving slowly and carefully is generally the best strategy except in cases of emergency.
Avoid surprise attacks. Unanticipated “hostile” actions, such as taking out a restraining order, should be avoided whenever possible. As we saw with John in chapter 1, no one responds well to coming home and finding the police at their door or their bank account halved. A surprise attack causes people to react defensively and can be the catalyst for a high-conflict divorce process that generates pain for years to come.
Establish boundaries and “ground rules” as clearly and as early as possible. Clients frequently need to set firm boundaries with their spouses and others. Misunderstanding of unwritten rules by one party or the other is a major source of postdivorce friction . . . .
Getting the Story Straight. One of the first rules the soon-to-be ex-couple needs to discuss is how they intend to tell friends and family members about the divorce. . . .
The Parameters of the Separation. A second priority for the separating couple is the question of how to physically move apart.
Defining the Post-divorce Relationship. It is useful to help separating couples to define their postdivorce relationship, at least for the immediate future . . . .
Communication.Communication missteps are an extremely common cause of postdivorce conflict. Helpers can encourage clients to develop a communication plan up front. Though it will seem awkward and unnatural for two people who have lived in an intimate relationship to suddenly adopt a set of formal rules regarding communication, doing so can remove much of the guesswork and awkwardness that create anxiety . . . .
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Chapter 5
Helping the Individual
Working with a divorcing individual -- as opposed to a couple or a family -- presents a unique set of challenges. Extracting reliable information about the family system can be difficult when we are talking to only one person. The client in crisis often sees the world through a distorted lens of pain and anger and presents the helper with a skewed picture. In addition, every individual, whether in crisis or not, tends to have blind spots regarding relationships, elements he is simply not capable of seeing, given his psychological makeup and current level of awareness and functioning. It is often these very blind spots that have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. So it falls upon us, as helpers, to do a little detective work in order to establish an objective and balanced view of the divorce scenario.
Helping Clients Move through the Divorce Process
Our main job when working with individual clients is to usher them through the divorce process with the minimal amount of unnecessary pain. Fortunately for us, the process unfolds according to its own exigencies. We do not need to drive the process; it happens on its own. We merely act as facilitators. Preventing “stuckness” is our chief aim. We strive to help the client move through the process with the greatest possible fluidity and responsiveness. . . .
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Chapter 6
Domestic Abuse
It is difficult to discuss divorce without also discussing domestic abuse. Few topics in our counseling practices spark as much polarization of thought. Domestic violence is an area in which black-and-white thinking about who is right and who is wrong tends to obscure subtler shades of gray, often to the detriment of families. A chapter such as this cannot detail how to react to every client in every situation. Each interested practitioner will need to do more reading, thinking, and analyzing of the research data on her own. . . .
The Importance of the Helper’s Response
When a client comes to our practice reporting a pushing or striking incident, this is a Critical Entry Point. The simplest (and, for some, the most satisfying) response may be to sound the highest alarm -- to call for the client to leave the relationship, file a restraining order, seize the children, and retain a lawyer. When we intervene in this way, we feel as if we’ve protected the family. We’ve done our part. This is a logical reaction for helping professionals who are well aware of the negative effects of violence on the victim and other family members who witness it. None of us wants to condone domestic abuse. Rather, we want to demonstrate unequivocal opposition.
This discussion, however, calls for a more thoughtful approach. It asks us to exercise reason and nuanced thought as we formulate our responses. The simplest solution may not always be the best. Taking the time to understand the nature, severity, and factuality of the abuse will give us better tools to help our clients respond. Not all incidents mean the same thing, nor do they represent the same level of danger. . . .
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Chapter 7
Parenting and Divorce
In an ideal world, parents would exhibit their greatest parenting skills during the divorce process, when children have the greatest need. (Of course, in an ideal world, they probably would not be getting divorced at all.) The emotional, logistical, and creative demands placed on them as parents will probably never be greater than they are at this time. The children are feeling confused, unsafe, fretful, traumatized; they need steady wisdom and unwavering reassurance from their parents. Yet, as noted many times, parents are generally in crisis themselves. Their world has just exploded. Either or both of them may be adjusting to extramarital affairs, abandonment, domestic abuse, or legal attacks from a formerly trusted mate. Emotional regression is the norm rather than the exception. Mother and father are often at their all-time lowest reserves in terms of wisdom, perspective, and parental confidence. So very often a sad picture emerges, one in which the children’s greatest need for strong parenting coincides with the parents’ most depleted ability to provide it.
When we truly appreciate this fact, we realize what an invaluable support we, as counselors, can provide. If we watch carefully for Critical Entry Points, we will find ample opportunities to de-escalate conflict, clarify confusion, and gently bring the parents’ attention around to doing what is best for the children. Because the parents’ mental and emotional states may be skewed at this time, helping professionals may be the only ones who can think objectively and advocate for the family. Countless divorces devolve into warfare simply because no one is there to encourage parents to empathize with the children. Instead, all of the involved parties, including therapists and other helpers, become caught up in the drama and inadvertently lend support to the spiraling dynamics of accusation and strategizing to “win.” Getting the parents to focus on the children’s needs may not solve the relationship problems that caused the divorce, but it will often serve as a thermostat that can prevent the divorce process from overheating.
Most divorcing parents want to be the best parents they can be. If strongly reminded and encouraged to act in the children’s best interests, emotionally healthy parents will typically respond positively, unless they are too distracted by their own pain and anger. Parents are often willing to make difficult adjustments and compromises for the children that they would not make for themselves or the ex-partner. With the encouragement of a helping professional whose focus remains locked unwaveringly on what is best for the children, the parents may discover a reserve of maturity and wisdom that was not initially apparent.
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Chapter 8
Parental Alienation
An important Critical Entry Point occurs when a helper becomes aware of a situation in which a child of a high-conflict divorce spends progressively less time with one parent and/or voices strong objection to being with that parent. The helper’s response can be crucial in the maintenance of the parent-child relationship. To determine an appropriate response, it is important for the professional to diagnose fully the reasons for the parental rejection. As with other aspects of the divorce, it is crucial to look at the big picture.
In such cases, we may or may not be seeing a dynamic that has come to be known as “parental alienation” (Clawar and Rivlin, 1991; Darnell, 1998; Gardner, 1989, 1999, 2002; Rand, 1997; Warshak, 2001a, 2001b). Parental alienation occurs when a child becomes allied with one parent and disparages or rejects the other. In extreme cases, the child may refuse to see the rejected parent. We have discussed the complexities of domestic violence allegations in divorce; the dynamics of parental rejection are equally controversial and complex. Cases of parental rejection often involve allegations of physical or sexual abuse of the child, which the target parent counters with claims of parental alienation instigated by the other parent. Each case warrants good diagnosis and appropriate early intervention.
Research suggests that some aspects of alienation often arise during and after the dissolution of families where there is a legal dispute over custody. Clawar and Rivlin (1991) found that fully eighty percent of high-conflict divorcing parents practice some form of parent-estranging behaviors. Janet Johnston (1993) found that forty-three percent of children in her sample of families with disputed custody issues were in strong alliances with one parent and twenty-nine percent in mild alliances. Most often, children who fully reject a parent are preadolescent or adolescent, but younger children may display many rejecting behaviors toward a parent . . . .
The reasons for parental rejection are often multiple and complex. While the rejection of one parent may sometimes result from the deliberate machinations of the other, frequently the problem is multi-causal. . . . We need to look at the intrapsychic dynamics of the individual, the interactive dynamics of the family, and the influences of the wider social sphere to fully understand all of the contributing factors to parental alienation in any given case.
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Chapter 9
Children and Divorce
. . . There is no way around the fact that the dissolution of the family will be a painful experience for the children. Healing will happen in fits and starts, over time. Strong emotions and acting-out behaviors are to be expected. In fact, the child who appears to react calmly and indifferently to divorce may be a greater cause for concern than one who displays his or her feelings openly. As a general rule, divorcing parents can expect children’s adjustment to take several months to a year. In high-conflict divorces with prolonged litigation or in cases where the parents themselves are unable to adjust, children’s adjustment problems will likely be more chronic.
The nature of a child’s reactions depends upon his or her disposition and age. Regression is quite common, as is anger and aggression. Anxiety, particularly separation anxiety, may occur, especially in families in which the child is enmeshed with the emotional needs of a primary parent. Depression or feelings of sadness in older children. are normal, too. As children adjust, their feelings and concerns may change on a daily or weekly basis.
Children may have different reactions with different parents. Sometimes they parrot their parents’ concerns about one another. They may tell one parent one thing and the other parent another, based on what they think the parents want to hear or are able to hear. In some cases the child may have reunification fantasies and may, consciously or unconsciously, exhibit certain behaviors so as to try to bring the parents back together. . . .
Pre-teens and adolescents can play one parent against the other. This is most successful in families in which the parents do not communicate well. “But Dad said I could,” may be a common refrain. It is easy for parents to assume that the other parent did indeed give permission for the child to have her ears pierced or to stay out late when this may not be the case. Thus it is crucial that the parents maintain some mechanism of communication, whether by telephone or email or through a third party.
It is important to help parents understand that any or all of the above reactions fall within the range of normal behaviors and do not necessarily require outside intervention. The breadth and depth of the child’s problems will tend to be a function of: 1) the level of conflict between the parents, 2) the healthiness of the child’s relationship with the parents, and 3) the individual strengths and resources of the child. . . .
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Chapter 10
The Legal Process and the Players
To strengthen your credibility and efficacy with clients, it is helpful to know something about the life terrain they are navigating. In the case of divorcing clients, this terrain includes the legal arena. The more you know about the legal process of divorce and its players, the more the client will feel able to rely on you to provide meaningful, informed, and practical support. . . .
Basic knowledge about this process can help professionals better understand why the client might be experiencing heightened stress or helplessness during certain periods and can enable us to spot Critical Entry Points for lending support. Wiser decisions can then be made and potential disasters averted. Perhaps, for example, it is not a sound idea for a client to confront an ex-spouse over visitation issues two days before a hearing on a motion for modification of child support. By having some awareness about the legal hot spots ourselves, helpers are better able to spot possible red flags for the client.
Knowledge can be helpful, too, when it comes to supporting the client in planning the kind of divorce process that will work best for him. The more you know about the options that exist, the better you can help the client intelligently evaluate choices and make the kinds of practical decisions that will cause the least pain and frustration. . . .
Divorce law varies greatly from state to state and technicalities abound. It is wise to become familiar with the key precedents, statutes, procedures, and legal tendencies within your own state. This chapter offers only a basic primer to allow helpers to better “talk the talk” -- a starting point from which to make further inquiries. This presentation may feel a bit elementary at times; it seems preferable to assume too little knowledge than too much.
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Chapter 11
Avoiding the Traps
Most of the book has dealt with how to help clients; this chapter is dedicated to helping the working professional. Many intelligent, well-meaning and otherwise conscientious practitioners find themselves in legal and ethical hot water due to common traps that emerge when dealing with divorcing clients. Divorce, especially high-conflict divorce, tends to create more danger zones for therapists and other counseling professionals than most other therapeutic situations. . . .
What Hat Are You Wearing?
One of the most common and fundamental mistakes that helping professionals make when working with divorcing clients is role ambiguity. It is easy to lose sight of who your client is and what role you are committed to playing with that client. This can happen if you are coaxed into seeing more than one member of the family or into playing additional official roles, such as parenting coordinator or GAL, which are inappropriate given your previous role. In other cases – and perhaps this is where the greatest danger lies –professionals may be lulled into playing new roles, but in an unofficial or unacknowledged way. . . .
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